Chapter I
Today I face the fear that has followed me all of my life…
Today I’m going to face and deal with the fear that I have had all of my life. I wrote this poem several years ago during a very tough time in my life. I’ve battled with low self-esteem all of my life and the Lord led me to the answers that will help me live the rest of my life in peace with my self. First i want to go through my poem and share my life journey with you. It is my hope that as you hear my story- your story will unfold and you see how truly wonderful life can be when you know and love yourself.
I invited Jesus to come along, so that as we journey along He can speak to our hearts and souls, giving blessings beyond imagination.
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I can remember for years, looking over my shoulder,
Seeing my fear walking behind me – never far away.
Some times my fear would get quite close, and even whisper in my ear.
It would whisper and sometimes shout the worst lies you can imagine.
I would tremble with fear and crawl into a corner in the fetal position.
I would find myself in the darkness with my fear all around me.
My fear would engulf me with an intense feeling of hopelessness.
I was at the end of the world looking out over a sea of endless sadness and emptiness.
The sea would rage in endless tears and cries that last forever.
I could not see beyond the storm.
No light could penetrate through the darkness that whipped through my mind.
I feel so alone in this state.
No one can reach me here in this place.
The scene I describe above happens to be one of many similar symbolic episodes in my past. It was a recurring incident I couldn’t understand, much less overcome. Not that I didn’t try by having counseling, going to self-help seminars, and reading books on low self-esteem. I would have some success for a few weeks or even months and then something would trigger a stress reaction and my failure to solve the problem would end up with my feeling bad about myself. My mind would be flooded by negative self-talk that came from an unknown place in my past.
I have considered my personality to be rather melancholy. With age and experience with people, my personality has become “even keel” most of the time. In the not so distant past, once in a while I would have periods of a deep depression. I would get the feeling that by my dying the problems would be solved. I really didn’t think that my family or friends would miss me. I never let anyone know about these dark times. I would cover up the moods, act like it was “no big deal”. I would brush it off as the “old melancholy personality” again. I would show a flat affect when telling traumatic stories of my childhood. Others would react shocked that I didn’t demonstrate more disturbed feelings when recounting these incidents.
Sad things happen to everyone. However, I was under the impression that I felt them deeper but was able to hide behind “the telling.” My sad mood would evolve into an “almost on the brink“ but would probably never follow through with suicide. My feeling of worthlessness was real and entrenched in a hopeless situation. I would say terrible things to myself, things I would never say to another human being. I’ve called myself names like ugly, worthless, untalented, a deceiver and a liar.
I’m a visual person as are most people, so when I experience a strong emotion I have a tough time expressing what I am feeling. Being very passionate with deep feelings, I would get somewhat “down in the dumps” and not understand how I got there. Fortunately in my teens, I discovered that I was able to express emotions in a poem or song. I was not raised to recognize the varied emotions that emotionally intelligent people experience and are able to express. I had a limited vocabulary when it came to emotions. I knew a handful of emotions like mad, sad, happy, and bad. I felt alone in many areas of my life. I would find that people didn’t seem to “get me”. Either I said things that appeared to go unnoticed and unheard or the words that came to mind didn’t truly match the feelings I was trying to express. I often thought that maybe I was not on the same track as everyone else. Friends would say I was “blowing the situation out of proportion” or I was “analyzing” too much. I have been described as too intense and opinionated. I’ve taken up causes and felt like my life needed to have purpose. I’ve lived in a state of striving for perfection.
I’ve always wanted my life to count for something. I never understood the drive I had to accomplish projects or tasks; I just knew that I wanted to do the best at everything. I wanted to be respected for who I am and appreciated for my contributions to society. The challenge came when I would fall short of my expectations. I’d feel like a failure or even worse, I would feel “average”. I wouldn’t express my disappointments to anyone; I would keep them a secret and hope no one else noticed. I was also so sensitive to criticism that I would collapse in tears. I made an effort to be strong and not take things too seriously, but I was never good at hiding the feelings of inadequacy. Appraisals and reviews from bosses and teachers were the worst. My reaction would be to just jump to the conclusion that I was their worst employee or student. I therefore worked very hard to be the best student or the best employee so that confrontation could be avoided.
When I look back on my life, having reached half a century, I think of all the time I wasted being so serious, and I am talking serious “to a fault.“ At least I’ve come to appreciate my sense of humor. I am not sure I’d be the happy content person I am today if it were not for my sense of humor. My grandmother had a great sense of humor, and both of my parents laughed a lot. My grandmother and mother had traumatic pasts. They learned how to go on with their lives by looking at the humor in situations. As I was being raised and trauma or challenges would come up my mom would deal with it and then laugh. I can remember joking and laughing with my family about a number of incidents that happened throughout the years. It was one way I learned to cope with hard times. Humor is not always easy to conjure up when feelings of depression and sadness overwhelm.
Getting back to the name-calling; the really sad part of berating myself was I didn’t just think it; I believed it in my heart and soul. I thought God had made a mistake, A mistake only I could see when He created me. I was sure I had everyone in my life fooled- by seeing the person I presented. They had no idea in my “sick little mind“ how I really appeared to others. I truly felt that there was nothing but an ugly fake underneath my mask. These thoughts made me feel isolated even around others.
R.D Laing author of The Divided Self wrote, “ A man without a mask is indeed very rare. One even doubts the possibility of such a man. Everyone in some measure wears a mask and there are many things we do not put ourselves into fully. In ordinary life it seems hardly possible for it to be otherwise.”
I find comfort in knowing that others hide behind similar masks and that I’m not so unique. The task was to find out why I felt the need to wear a mask. What is the fear from which I hide? The fear I hide and run from is a real fear that all the things I thought about myself-were true. I really believed I was worthless and undeserving of this life and all through my life I ran from this fear …until the day I turned and walked back to come “face to face” with the lie.
The journey I’m going to share in this book has become my vision and my passion, to help others like myself escape and face the fears that create a low self-esteem. I’m a work in progress. I daily discover how to improve my self-esteem and handle criticism. I try to be as open and honest about my life, as possible to hopefully present some solutions and techniques that others can apply and relate to in their own lives.
I call out to my loved ones and they answer back but they are just beyond my grasp.
They reach out to me in an endless stream of love and assurance.
When I wrote this poem several years ago, I felt more connected to my family. Since then, things have happened that changed our relationship. The reason is quite sad and is in a large degree the reason behind some of my grief issues. Seven years ago I learned about a family secret. A secret which was kept from me for many years. When I was finally told I discovered my family was in denial and wanted to ignore the situation. They were not at all happy that I had found out. Instead I was faced with opposition and put to shame. I was accused of not forgiving, forgetting and accepting. The rest of the family seemed to be okay with shoving it under the rug and never talking about it again. Problem solved, end of discussion. The family sees me as a reminder that their view of reality may have some flaws. They have created a new story in essence to justify their belief system.
Let me give you some background on my family so that you can perhaps see my confusion. I was raised very strictly to follow the rules of our religion or suffer the consequences of that. I was strongly encouraged to learn the Bible and memorize scriptures. I was rewarded for my efforts and success. I remember loving Jesus at an early age, and I believed that He could help us in everything in our lives. I got the message somehow that I was special with a spiritual gift that I needed to share with others, and lead them to the Lord. I somehow got the message that I needed to try hard to be right with God. The leaders also seemed to recognize me in our church, awarding Bibles and Free Church camp tuitions when I demonstrated my knowledge of the Bible. In our household we were given positive regard for saying a great prayer, avoiding negative behavior like lying or stealing and standing up for what was right. My mom also preached working against evil every day.
I was very much involved with our youth groups and even taught Junior Worship for our church when I was in fifth through ninth grade. I felt like the “golden child” with my mom’s hopes and dreams in my becoming a minister. This feeling of pride prompted me to focus on a Christian education in hopes of getting my mother’s approval. I graduated from a Christian College and received a minor in Biblical Studies. My graduate work was done in a Christian University where I loved and excelled in the Bible classes. Much of my effort was an attempt to do what was right according to the Bible and also subconsciously to please my mother who wanted her children to love God as much as she did. My mother recently made the comment to me that she wished her children had grown up to love God as much as she does. I couldn’t believe that she was saying this to me. I reminded her about my College and University degrees that all came from Christian institutions. My sister who is an ordained minister is married to a minister. Most of her children attend church regularly. Even though I barely missed church attendance in my life, still she wants more. Being a perfectionist, she has high standards for herself as well as her children. Her life has not gone exactly how she hoped. While she has worked hard to be a good mother and person, she seems to never be satisfied with anything I do. Now that I am aware of her perfectionism, I will strive to accept this, and recognize when my efforts appear to be motivated by the hope of pleasing her. It is an old habit that is hard to break. Recognizing the behaviors of perfectionism is half the battle. This awareness in myself, helps me to have a better understanding and acceptance of my mothers low self-esteem and perfectionism. I can forgive her for what I thought was abuse. I now realize that she was dealing with similar demons. She has spent her life trying to please her parents and others too.
You can imagine my shock at discovering my family’s apparent abandonment of some of these teachings and principles and I felt as if I were standing against them. I have experienced quite a lot of hurt from family members over this matter. You may have family secrets of your own, these can be very damaging to your self-esteem if left unchecked and unresolved. I’ve talked to many clients to help them overcome the hurt of their family secrets.
Jesus can help us handle ourselves in a godly manner. He can truly be the power behind our growth. Aligning your actions with His will can help comfort you when dealing with such things. Seeking spiritual counsel can also help you to be congruent with the belief systems from which you have operated. It is normal to question your upbringing, the parenting you received, and the Biblical doctrine you’ve been taught. Having faith in a loving God can be an important means to make sense of it all.
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But the fear whispers the lies even louder and clearer.
My disbelief of their words keeps the truth at a whisper that I could barely hear – yet alone believe…
I see visions of myself in the lies and I feel from my very being – that the fear is telling the truth about me…
These are the words that I have heard all of my life.
There is a strange assurance in these lies that is familiar and comforting.
They are the words that I have always heard – they must be true!
My perceptions of childhood memories formed my belief system. I remember I felt I needed to take care of myself because my parents were just too busy. They always seemed to be having challenges. Many of them centered on not having enough money. I could listen to their conversations and hear concerns and responsibilities that I should have not have listened. Being a very sensitive child, I was too aware of the hard times. My siblings appeared not to notice and were content to play and be children. I remember as a child, behaving childishly. Yet also thinking that it was really hard being an adult and I was not looking forward to growing up and having so much responsibility. I wanted to stay a child forever…
My parents were so preoccupied with the troubles of every day I’ve come to feel that they didn’t “nurture me developmentally“. What I mean and, by the way I may have just invented a new term, is that I needed to be specifically nurtured as I developed. A baby needs different attention and nurturing than a toddler or a five year old and children still need nurturing even at age twelve or eighteen. It is a little different each year because the children develop intellectually and emotionally as well as cognitively. Parents need to change their approach with child as they grow and develop, especially they need to help their children develop emotional intelligence. That is to say, children need to be aware of more expressions of emotions than just sad, mad, glad, or bad. Humans have a host of different emotions that we need to recognize, express, and celebrate each day.
I wasn’t nurtured developmentally or taught emotional intelligence. I had no choice but to grow up faster as I was given responsibility too early. When I was two years old my mother had three other children besides me. At two, I was no longer the baby.
I felt I needed to be independent and need less. The nurturing seemed to lessen. I was given food to eat, a home, clothes, some toys, and lots of discipline; all given in equal shares to split among the four of us. I can imagine the demands and worries on my mother’s shoulders. She had to shift her attention to my baby sister and the older children needed to be her helpers. I can remember as a small child resenting this and being angry that my sister had been born.
In my mother’s defense, I have to say that she did tuck us into bed every night and I remember a lot of singing, reading and especially praying. I looked forward to bedtime because it meant quality time with mom. I especially remember her reading “The Yearling” to us. She would read whole novels to us which introduced me to a love of reading. My mother would kiss me on the cheek and tell me that she loved me.
My father was very affectionate and stern but playful. Whether we were hiking, on a road trip, or doing chores like chopping wood, for him there was always a teaching moment. He would point out and name a bird flying by or a flower growing along the path. He would also give bits of wise advice; for instance he often said, “ Find work that you love and you will never work a day in your life”. He was a good hugger and loved to tease in a way where I understood that he was fond of me.
Not every child needs the same amount of nurture and some children need more validation or parental approval. Not every child is ready to make the developmental changes that siblings made at the same age. The more children you add to the family, the more dynamics that affect self-esteem and developmental growth become part of the equation. The more children parents have to focus on the smaller portions of attention they have to go around. The extraverted children made their needs known loud and clear while the introverted ones sat quietly waiting for their turn.
As a result of my birth order and the demands placed upon me, my growth and emotional intellect were stunted slightly. I drew most of my conclusions and opinions by myself or with the help of others outside my family. I observed people quite a bit and learned from my older siblings and friends. I didn’t feel I could go to my mother if I had a question and my father was not available much of the time. I was embarrassed to talk about certain things with my mom. Being the third child, I was also not encouraged to be assertive or demanding, so I tried to meet my own needs. I did what I was told and learned to be a team player. If I didn’t do as I was told, my mother would discipline me severely. She believed that if “she spared the rod, she would spoil the child”. My mother didn’t spoil me. I was spanked frequently and it seems and felt when I was young like it was every day of my childhood.
Looking back, I am rather sure I misbehaved to get attention from my mother and a way to get human contact. As a child, I thought that she was too strict and I didn’t deserve so many spankings. Mom would spank until I had welts on my legs. She would say, “ that is the devil coming out of you”. Confusion went on in my head as I was growing up in this atmosphere as I received mixed messages that put me in a “double bind“. I came to understand it later as similar to “walking on eggshells”. I wanted to be good and please my mom, but I had to be so careful I wasn’t sure if I was doing it right.
As a result I wondered if I was a good person. Why was the devil was after me? I was afraid he might take hold of me and I would be lost forever. It was quite scary. I tried to counteract by going to church, memorizing scripture, and singing church songs with my family. I wanted to be the best little girl in the family. From a very young age I tried really hard in school in an attempt to please the teachers as well as my parents. I volunteered to help my mother with the dishes and cooking. I tried to do everything my mother told me to do. If I saw my older siblings doing something wrong, I would feel prompted to tell my mother. I wasn’t my sister’s favorite sibling as you can imagine. As hard as I tried to be good to please my mom, it often didn’t seem to work, but that only made me try harder and never give up. Once in a while, I would get it right and she would “sing my praises“. During this time my self-critic was born. Life was all about performance, perfection, and trying to please people. Pleasing adults was my way of receiving validation.
Mom was raised to believe that if she complimented her children, they would grow up conceited. My grandmother gave her advice and would discourage her from validating or encouraging us. My mom told me not long ago how confused and frustrated she was with her mom stepping in and criticizing her child rearing methods. My mom was doing what she felt was right and I have no doubt that she did the best that she could given the information she had available. She was so focused on teaching us about God because she trusted that no matter what happened He would make everything all right.
A lot of great behavior was required to receive a very small amount of validation. Good grades, art projects that won awards, or even memorizing scripture did not always get praise. She was somewhat inconsistent about doling out positive reinforcement but if I focused on learning the Bible my odds for positive regard grew exponentially. Mom was very consistent with discipline given for behaviors she wanted to shape in her children. No wonder we learned to walk on “egg shells”, egg cartons, or what ever was available when we were growing up.
I developed a belief that if I behaved in a manner that was socially acceptable, I was a good person. Even my grandmother contributed to the development of this belief system. I had long blond curly hair as a child and as my grandmother combed my hair, she would say, ”There once was a girl who had a curl right in the middle of her forehead and when she was good, she was very very good and when she was bad, she was horrid“. This was said to me so often, I truly believed I needed to act good in order to be liked. I became hyper-vigilant in my efforts to please adults, while at the same time, believing that I was not as good as I pretended. I can remember hating it when she would say this “little ditty” and anticipating the quote each time she grabbed the comb.
Another saying used frequently by my mother and grandmother was, “Pretty is as pretty does.” A child may interpret this as meaning, “since I am being punished all the time for my bad behavior, I must be bad and therefore not pretty.” What the parent is actually saying is, “ You are pretty, but when your behavior is bad it doesn’t make you look pretty”. Another message I heard was, “actions speak louder than words”. Therefore I could draw a conclusion that by the parents’ action of spanking they think I am bad and not pretty.
As a result the “self-esteem police” were continually at my door. They were always on duty and would tell me when I was wrong or bad and punish me accordingly. I could never please them or keep them from showing up when I least expected. They wore badges with “SP” engraved in the center bordered by gold. They carried two thick books one of rules I must continually live by and the other a book of judgments. As my punishment I would then have to suffer hours of triad and name-calling. The “SP“ would stand on a soapbox like street corner preachers holding judgment signs. I was to grow up as directed in the books and not deviate from the plan.
I wasn’t encouraged to be who I wanted to be when I grew up nor was I allowed to have my own opinion and beliefs. I didn’t even realize that having my own opinion was an option. My feelings had to be pushed aside and I must only express positive emotions. I was given a list of talents I needed to develop that would be pleasing to my parents. These I would perform for others when asked and adopt them as my own. I was told to respect authority and never question. I was under the impression that if I disobeyed, I wouldn’t be the good person that my parents so wanted me to be. I grew up with the conclusion that I had to be good in society or I would be shunned or put away from other people. Being good made me worth something and if I was bad, I was worthless.
As a result, I developed a mask I could don to cover the real ugliness of my being. This mask covered my negative emotions or should I say the emotions that were not appropriate in my family circle. It covered the face of the ugly child that had been born and I could now be the person they wanted me to be. I was never encouraged to take the disguise off and discover who I really was underneath. To look beneath the mask could mean opening “Pandora’s Box”; and who knows what would escape to infect the family. What would other people say if they saw what lay/laid beneath the lid. I find this metaphor amusing as I visualize what the scene might have looked like with all of us sitting around the supper table, heads bowed in prayer and masks firmly in place with no one even knowing what we all truly looked like underneath.
As a Therapist, I’ve had to do “my own work”. It was great for me. It seemed that I was always the one over analyzing and over thinking. My life was bound to come to this. Not many of my friends or family were too surprised when I became a therapist. It was my destiny and required a very painful journey at best. I had to abandon my mask and look upon the face of the person God had created. I had to discover who I really was and decide who I wanted to become. It was so painful at times that I would get quite depressed. I had to question my family’s belief system and then develop my own. I had to step back and look at my self with a new eye, the eye of a stranger. Then I had to accept the things I could or couldn’t change. Though it was scary and uncomfortable at times, I found it to be an odd feeling to be free to choose to become healthy. I knew I was getting healthier when I was able to laugh at myself. I had spent so much time berating myself that I really didn’t know any other way. I was just so serious though my humor as always gave me pleasure because it was a way to get attention from other people. Humor hid a large amount of pain and insecurity and provided a path to be liked and accepted by others. Now I laugh and make fun of myself, because I am “fond” of myself and appreciate my humorous side.
The worldview of a child:
At times hurtful words rang in my ears. I’m not sure where the berating all started or why it started for that matter. From my own experience with clients, I would guess that my siblings might have said hurtful things to me. I might have heard ugly words from a teacher or other adults. As children, our worldview is so small we make huge judgments and conclusions about others and ourselves that we discover later in life not to be true. Some of these conclusions we have made about ourselves are never challenged. A simple example of this could be a first grader telling her classmate a that she is fat. It could be totally false and designed by the child to hurt her. But the young six year old may come to believe this as truth that she keeps all of her life and it may even turn into a self fulfilling prophecy.
It is my belief that I made some harsh conclusions about the people around me which have, from my perspective turned out to be untrue. My parents and grandparents being among those people. As children we are not aware of all the things the adults in our lives are going through. They are having “big people” responsibilities that we can’t understand until we become adults ourselves. I suppose that is why as we get older, “our parents become smarter“. It is not that they are really becoming smarter it is because we are becoming aware of what it takes to be a responsible adult. Our worldview is becoming larger and we learn that we are not the center of the universe.
Most of us when we were children are sheltered from the hardness of adulthood. If we are not sheltered, we are forced to grow up too fast and we are not developmentally ready to understand the whole situation or see the big picture. As a result, we make assumptions and form opinions that are not altogether based on fact; they are instead our own version or perception of the truth. The conclusions that we draw from our perceptions may possibly affect and distort our memories.
Some children experience very cruel people in their early years who cause great damage to their self-esteem. The abuse in their lives is very real and constant; it can cause hurts that become a pattern of abuse that never stops. Children grow up and as parents repeat the same bad behaviors they experienced; the pattern is repeated with their own children. Some hurt children can live their entire lives never being able to change these behaviors. More often than not people in these situations don’t realize their behaviors need to change. It takes a strong person to stop the family pattern of abuse. We therapists call those individuals ”super kids”. Changing the patterns takes courage and usually an outside person/people, who influences the damaged child and helps them see the potential in themselves. That person/persons validates them and helps them see that there are other options, other choices for their future. They may come to believe that they can change their destiny and therefore also change the damaging family patterns.
Another possible aspect creating self-esteem in individuals is the part that genetics can play in families. My mother had a low self-esteem as did her mother. Both had sexually abusive family dynamics that contributed to the development of low self-image. My great grandfather abused my grandmother after her mother’s death. She put limitations on the abuse even though it went on for years. She tried protecting her younger sisters by putting the dresser against the bedroom door at night to keep her father out. Even with all her vigilance she was unable to stop the pattern. It was not until she caught her father with her daughter that the abuse stopped. Unfortunately she felt the need to spank my mother in front of him. Grandma told him, “I should be spanking you”.
It put shame on my mom and yet it was a declaration to my great grandfather that the sexual abuse was going to stop now! My grandmother in her own uneducated way was changing an old family pattern. Something had been instilled in her own mind, maybe by her mother, that sex with her father was wrong. She tried to stop him from hurting her sisters which was somewhat successful. My grandmother left home to teach at a small one-room schoolhouse and she married my grandfather when she was twenty-eight. They were married over fifty years. I find it amazing that she had such a wonderful husband after being raised by such an unhealthy father. She must have been a “super kid” too.
David Stoops, author of “Self Talk”, says of family patterns, “ Whenever we attempt to change patterns of thinking it is hard work. We would rather stay as we are than make the effort required to change. And basically, we really don’t like to change. The new patterns may feel uncomfortable at first but once you get into the habit of guarding your thoughts and your words, it becomes a way of life.”
For my Grandmother, changing this family pattern was a matter of living free of a despicable abuse. She stopped the pattern completely from continuing in my mother’s life even though she was unable to stop it in her own childhood. There were so many other hardships to go through in my grandmother’s young life and yet she still had the strength to overcome such a terrible tragedy. My grandmother lived to be one hundred and one, had seven grandchildren, and eleven great grandchildren.
My mother continued on the quest to change family patterns of sexual incest. She was hyper – sensitive to any behavior that might suggest incest among her own children. I can remember countless times she would put a stop to wrestling or tickling going on with us kids. I never could understand why she was so strict and upset about innocent rough housing. She would demand it stop immediately. Over thirty years later I was to find out about the sexual abuse that she and my grandmother had to endure from my great grandfather. All those years of family shame created indelible scars and irreversible damage to my mother’s self image. All she knew is that the pattern must not continue with her children. Another “super kid”, I think?
The World Wars also had an adverse affect on my parent’s self-esteem. My mother’s family had hard times during the depression. There was not much money and jobs were few and far between. Most everyone felt the impact of the war. Poverty can wreak havoc on self-esteem. People did whatever it took to survive. My mother’s family was French and my father’s family, German and both had family in the wars. Society had its own opinion and prejudice against nationalities involved in war. There was an immeasurable amount of shame and disgrace in my family. I picked up the idea from others that I should be somewhat ashamed of my German heritage. The fact that these wars were between the French and the German people was bound to affect family discussions and relations. The end results and the full scope of the Wars were so devastating to everyone in the world that even after almost a hundred years, the world has not overcome.
From kindergarten until fifth grade, I can remember other children “putting me down” and some blaming the German people for the Jews being killed. I did not understand their anger since my understanding of World War II was so limited. When I asked for an explanation, my parents would give me their own versions which didn’t give me the full picture. I got the impression that all German people are evil and Japanese can’t be trusted. There was a prejudice and anger demonstrated that wasn’t completely explained. I was educated in school about World War II; in the 1960’s while living in the south, I witnessed bigots first hand. I was able to transfer my own experience to give me a greater understanding of similar feelings that rocked the world at the end of the WWII. I have always been fascinated when studying the wars, such a complex and complicated subject-war. The full view of the negative consequences, only God can see or understand.
Hurts from the past can run deep and they should not be let free to flood and destroy the path your life is taking for the future. We are given one life to live. Maybe it did not start out very great, maybe the cards we were dealt seemed not worth playing. It is sad that children have to start their lives with such hardships. We can let the hurt keep us from being happy or having what we want and deserve. It is our responsibility to lift ourselves up and do the best we can to change our destiny. When we are young we do not always have power over our situations; as we grow up and heal, we can take charge of our future.
I tell clients who are depressed about their past hurts, “try not to let this beat you. We need to be not just survivors, we need to thrive”. That means, turning our situations around and making a wonderful life. We alone have control over our choices for our destiny. We also can use our pain to help others and ourselves. We can reach out to people who are less fortunate because there is always someone who is worse off. These are the very reasons that I chose the path of counseling. Someone reached out to me and helped me up out of family patterns that might have led me to destructive life. I believe that we are all called to reach out to others during our lifetime. We need to “pay it forward”; give others a “helping hand“, a “leg up”, a little more understanding of themselves. Through our validation and compassion.
Paul Tournier, author of “The Healing of Persons says, “ One must also accept one’s parents. We do not choose our parents. God gives them to us. They are often other than what we might have liked. They have their failings, their psychological make-up, their illnesses, and their social class. It often happens that the son who rebels most against his father is the one who resembles him the most. His implacable criticism seems to be the projection of his own impotent struggle against the same faults in himself. One cannot be happy so long as one refuses to accept one’s parents, so long as one dreams of a different life with different parents.”
Tournier goes on to talk about how accepting our parents means accepting what they have passed on to us. “ One of my patients once said to me, The reason why it is so difficult to straighten out my life is because it is not only my own life that has to be straightened out; but also in a way the chain by which the personal problems of my ancestors for generations back have been transmitted to me”.
If our life was like a game of “Poker”- then we need to take the cards we are dealt. We can trade the ones we don’t like for some new ones. With the new cards – play the hand to “win“. It may take some bluffing. It may mean learning to read the other player’s “poker faces”. With a deep breath of courage -we may have to risk everything but we can come out on top if we “put our mind to it”. And if we lose a hand or two, we don’t give up playing. We may have to change our approach, focus on the best options, try again, accept losses, but never ever give up. We stay in the game and play as if our life depended on it.
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Self-Discovery Exercises:
One of the most important steps toward a good or improved self-esteem is in learning to like your self. Ask yourself these questions:
1. Do you like being alone or do you avoid it at all costs?
2. Do you feel uncomfortable during long periods of silence?
3. Do you find that you need to keep busy when you are alone?
4. Do you remember the last time you were alone? How long were you by yourself?
5. Do you make sure that you are continually involved in a relationship? When a relationship ends, do you get involved in another one right away?
If you found that you said yes to three or more of these questions, odds are you have low-self-esteem issues.
Scripture Exploration Exercises:
- In the story of Job, he is in a conversation about his situation with some friends. Job doesn’t understand why his family and possessions have been taken away from him. He wonders why God is so angry with him. He can’t understand why he is being bruised, wounded and not able to even take a breath before the next catastrophe.
Job 9: 14-24NAS. In verses 20-21 “ Though I am righteous, my mouth will condemn me; Thought I am ____________, He will declare me _______. I am guiltless; I do not take notice of ___________; I despise _______ _______.”
- This passage of scripture has helped me rise up from depression in my life. I read the entire chapter from time to time, to remind myself how important I am to God. I have also assigned it to clients who were seeing themselves as worthless.
Psalms 139:14NAS, “ I will give thanks to Thee, for I am _________ and ______________ made; ____________ are Thy _________, and my soul knows it very well.”
God made us, and everything that He created is wonderful. He is not an inconsistent god, everything that He makes is wonderful and that includes you and me.
- One of my favorite verses is Mark 12:30-31NAS
Jesus was asked, “What commandment is the foremost of all?” He answered with …“ And you shall love the Lord your God with all your ______ and with all your _____, and with all your ______and with all your ___________. The Second is this; you shall _______ your neighbor as __________.
There is no other commandment greater than these. We can’t love others if we don’t first love ourselves. True love is unselfish and demands a sacrifice. We deserve to love ourselves just as much as anyone else. Real love is also unconditional, so it makes sense that we need to love ourselves flaws and all.
4. Jesus speaks about our value as compared to the sparrows in Matthew 10: 29-31NRSV,
“Are not _____ ___________ sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will _______ to the ground apart from your _________. And even the ______ of your _______ are all counted. So do not be afraid; you are more ________ than many ________.”
Jesus reminds us just how valuable we are to God and how well He knows us and cares for us. Remember, we are, “fearfully and wonderfully made“. We can get caught up in the traumas of our life, similar to Job and forget that God is great and good and not far away. He created us and He loves us. Satan wants us to feel alone and desolate.
- Peter says in 1 Peter 5:8NKJV,” Be ______, be _________, because your adversary the ______ walks about like a _______ _______, seeking whom he may _______.”
The New Revised Standard Version, in the same passage uses these words, “ Discipline yourselves, keep alert,” and in verse 9, says” resist him, steadfast in your faith…. Know that your brothers and sisters in all the world are undergoing the same kinds of sufferings.”
We aren’t alone in our daily struggles. We have each other to lean on and obtain understanding and compassion and God, vs. 10… “Will himself restore, support, strengthen, and establish you.”
Satan doesn’t want us to feel good about ourselves. He spends his time seeking our weak times so that he can attack us and bring us down. We need to trust that God will strengthen us, love us no matter how we are feeling about ourselves
Self-Awareness Journal:
Write your own story of what you believe contributed to your self- esteem. What made it a high or low self-esteem? What kinds of things happen that can bring you down and negativity affect your self-esteem? What from your upbringing contributed to your awareness about yourself? Who were the most nurturing people in your life? How did birth order affect your opinion about yourself? _______________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Action Steps you will take:
1. Today:________________________________________________________________
2. Tomorrow:____________________________________________________________
3. Lifetime Behavior Changes:_______________________________________________
Prayer for you:
Lord, help me to find the answers to my questions that will lead me to an understanding of myself. Show me the nurture that I need to grow and thrive in this life that you have entrusted to me. Help me to forgive parents and relatives who have said hurtful words. Teach me what to do with my damaged emotions. Comfort my heart. Help me to love and accept myself- for who I am and who I am to become. Amen
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