The POEM: “Escape the Pit of Despair”
By Kim M. Yeager (1998)
Today I face the fear that has followed me all of my life…
I can remember for years, looking over my shoulder,
Seeing my fear walking behind me – never far away.
Sometimes my fear would get quite close, and even whisper in my ear.
It would whisper and shout the worst lies you can imagine.
I would tremble with fear and crawl into a corner in a fetal position.
I would find myself in the darkness with my fear all around me.
My fear would engulf me with an intense feeling of hopelessness.
I was at the end of the world looking out over a sea of endless sadness and emptiness.
The sea would rage in endless tears and cries that last forever.
I could not see beyond the storm.
No light could penetrate through the darkness that whipped through my mind.
I feel so alone in this state.
No one can reach me here in this place.
I call out to my loved ones and they answer back but they are just beyond my grasp.
They reach out to me in an endless stream of love and assurance.
My loved ones cannot possibly see me from where they are standing…
They do not know how truly ugly and disgusting I am…
They cannot understand that I feel that I am beyond hope…
I am weak and I will never get over the vast canyon that separates me from my…
Self-esteem.
I want a good self-esteem more that anything else.
But my low self-esteem keeps me from being who I truly was destined to become.
My fear says that I will never obtain what I prize the most.
I am damaged and broken beyond repair.
I am crippled beyond belief and I must accept my ugliness.
I must give up the hope of ever being healed.
Someone in my state is not strong enough to make the journey to the other side of the crevasse.
But the fear whispers the lies even louder and clearer.
My disbelief of their words keeps the truth at a whisper that I could barely hear – yet alone believe…
I see visions of myself in the lies and I feel from my very being – that the fear is telling the truth about me…
These are the words that I have heard all of my life.
There is a strange assurance in these lies that are familiar and comforting.
They are the words that I have always heard – they must be true!
The valley below is too deep and no one can travel that far.
It is hopeless to join my soul, with whom I really am suppose to be.
I have tried to make the journey several times. I have failed time and time again.
I am just “faking everyone out”, most of the time.
They see someone strong- but it is all just a mirage.
They see what they want to see, and I give them what they want to see.
There is ugliness beneath the mask that I show everyone else.
The pain that I feel is beyond imagination.
I feel a sea of hopelessness and despair.
The pain is deep and rages with the storm.
Who will save me from myself?
My loved ones can only shake their heads in disbelief – how can a child of God let
Fear carry her away?
I shout up to them, “ I am not worthy, I am not worthy…can you
Not see that?”. They try to help me find my way – but the damage is already done.
They are not responsible for the pain and the scars.
They did not inflict the curse upon me.
The two people that God entrusted to love and care for me –
Left me alone to be seized by the fear.
They were not paying attention to my tender soul while the lies were sown into me
With invisible thread.
They never heard my cries for help or saw my need for validation.
They were too busy in their own pain; they were seized by lies of their own.
The lies grew in me… as I grew.
They have entwined my heart and caused an ache that could be felt in the depths of the canyon.
As I walk this life – the pain in my soul moves with each step.
Sometimes the weight of the lies causes my steps to slow to a crawl.
Then I get down on my belly, to at least inch my way through the crises.
I feel as if I want to die.
I cry out to God,
And beg him to come and take me away from the pain…
Of my low terrible self! “ Lord, please end my life”…is all that I can utter.
The fear of the lies being true – grab at my feet and pull me toward the pit!
But there is something deep in my being that spurs me to fight against the despair.
It is a tiny seed of hope that was planted in my heart before I was brought into this earth.
That seed calls out for me in a loud clear voice. The voice reaches up to heaven. Within moments my father firmly answers my plea.
I will not end your life…
You alone need to chose which path you must follow.
The path that drags you into the pit of despair… or the road that takes you
Into the light of heaven?
You can either believe the lies from the past or the promises of your Lord.
You are the only one who can chose which path you are going to take.
But you must decide quickly,
For the darkness swells around you, threatening to devour your very soul”.
At these words, I began to feel hope grow in my heart.
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At that moment – I know in my very being that I must live with God,
And so I call up to him in a clear voice…”Lord, I choose to believe in your
Promises. I want to live in the light with you”.
Suddenly a light begins to glow in my heart and the finger of God reaches for me.
Before I know it – I am in His grip and I am being pulled from the pit.
As I grasp His hand… God places the scripture from the psalmist…Psalms 139 at the
Beginning of the pit. The fear reluctantly releases its grasp with a chilling cry.
If I ever return here again… Psalms 139 will be a reminder of how valuable I am and how much I am loved…
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Upward I fly toward the light. I see visions of the goodness in my past life. Scenes of the kindnesses shown me, and the love that I have experienced from the time I was born flash before my eyes.
I see deeds done that have shaped me and led me to believe in the power of God.
I truly was loved through out my life…
I see loved ones validating me as a valuable person with great worth and promise.
I see loved ones in my future that I have yet to experience.
My whole being is filled with love and peace.
I see hope all around me.
I feel safe in the arms of my God – who is my Father.
As I look up from His breast, I see the kindness in His face.
He has tears in his eyes, as He looks at me. His voice repeats over and over again,
“I love you and you are valuable to me.
You are a joy to me, and I want us to be close forever”.
I feel as if I am floating, I feel so light and full of peace. As we fly to the center of the light, I began to see familiar faces. Soon my loved ones join us. They come along beside us and run up to meet us.
I see my son, standing with his arms stretched out to welcome me.
He whispers, “ Mom see it is not true, you are valuable, you are amazing. I love you”.
Beside him is my mentor, with her nurturing smile. She shouts, “ I knew that you could do it. You did not let your fear have power over you. You have overcome. This has made you stronger”.
Next comes my mother, who from the beginning of my life has taught me about Jesus and shown by her example the power that comes by being a follower of our God.
Then I look into my best friends eyes, and I see relief on her face.
With open arms she grabs me and I feel I could be lifted up to the sky.
“ You never have to go to the pit again, you have all that you need here.
You are the smartest woman that I know.
You can accomplish anything with God leading you.”
One by one all those whom I love and who love me embrace me and I am assured of their love and faith in me.
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As I look around I am filled with pure joy.
God and all of our family are with me. I am so blessed. Everything is perfect.
We are all united in His spirit and there is a peace that goes beyond explanation…
And it is understood by all! I can see God in all of their eyes.
There is no more fear no more pain. God has filled us all with his love.
This is what heaven must be like. We experience it every time here on earth when we truly let God live in our hearts. When we trust Him with our fears, and the pain that can engulf us …He saves us from ourselves.
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I do not want to believe the lies again.
Even though they have been whispering to me all of my life!
Choosing to believe the lies, results in separating me from a relationship with God. I can walk away from those old beliefs and truly receive a healing of the brokenness within. Only God can heal my heart from the lies that once grew there. With his mighty hand He can close up the crevasse and take away the deep nagging pain.
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I will put away my childish ways and grow up in the understanding…
That God made me perfect and unblemished.
This is God’s true promise to me…
The imperfections of a low self-esteem were what I let handicap me.
I am made perfect through Christ. His living word breaths new life in me and I
Become like Him. We become united in spirit and there is no room for fear or
Despair. The light is so bright… darkness cannot exist.
I only need to believe and have faith in God. I need to obey Him.
I want to let Him lead me through the paths of my life – so that I do not wander
Off and get lost.
For it is in that lost state that the darkness can overcome me and the fear can get into the very core of my soul and drag me to the pit.
So I will focus on the light and listen to the voices that speak the truth in my ears.
For the truth comes from God and His words are formed on the lips of those sent to me to minister and encourage me.
As I grow stronger in my self-esteem…
I will be able to minister and encourage others that God sends to me.
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I praise God for never giving up on me.
No matter what path I take, He is still with me.
If I need Him, all I have to do is call out His name.
Forgive me God, when I go along the journey without you,
And when I hesitate to call for help.
I am a sinner and sometimes I think that I can make my own way.
I know that I need your strength and wisdom to make it through this life.
So I will take your hand and let your love work in my life.
I am so much more when you are in my life. You pick me up and lift me higher
Than I could ever imagine.
Together we will accomplish all that you have ordained for me, even before my days began.
And one day my journey in this life will be over and I will walk the streets of
Heaven… never to fall in the pit again.
I faced my fear today…
And now with God’s help – I can walk away – no longer afraid.
By Kim M. Yeager 10/10/19